


On Rights and Wrongs

by Snacktivist



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant at least until (& including) 409, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Light Angst, Sexuality Crisis, lots of thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 15:00:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18390752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snacktivist/pseuds/Snacktivist
Summary: Coming out to yourself can be the hardest coming out.Or, How is someone, who's not exactly a relationship expert, supposed to deal with feelings they weren't prepared for?This is about how to use whatever's happening with Nate and Zari to make Zarlie happen, so it's ultimately a Zarlie fic, but don't expect many Zarlie interactions (but there is something, don't worry).





	On Rights and Wrongs

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to process the lack of Zarlie (and Zari's queerness) that seems to be happening so I wrote this, for my sanity, to explain everything. If you'd like a song to listen to while reading, most of it fits So Far by Ólafur Arnalds & Arnór Dan, Way Down We Go by KALEO is good too. Also, big thanks to the amazing human who already read this and encouraged me to post it.

The past few missions have been fine. No big problems, that is apart from the usual craziness. And somehow, yet again, they survived. Barely. But almost dying every week is something she has almost gotten used to at this point, however, electrifying touches and chilling looks were not. It happened so fast she almost missed it. Charlie’s hand brushed against the naked skin of her forearm for a few seconds and she could still feel her touch burning there. She didn’t react in the moment, it was too quick, too fleeting, but a while later she kept catching herself looking at the exact spot on her arm. The sensation it caused was unfamiliar, she couldn’t name it.

But she remembers... Nate was there too. On a few of the missions, actually. He even saved her once, when she was being reckless. Right after that one fleeting touch. She couldn’t focus much after that and he helped. Nate always helped. He wouldn’t know, of course, but she still vividly recalls him being the first person who believed her when she said she was stuck in that damn time loop that Gideon created for her. Nate not only believed, he also offered help, and when things started to get too intense and she didn’t know what else to do, he spent so much time with her just having the silliest kind of fun. Nate was such a good friend. After her time loop misfortunes, she knew she could count on him. She trusted him. With her life, so to speak. Or in fact quite literally.

And that’s probably how they got here. She wasn’t sure, she was confused. Everything was so, so confusing. They’ve been spending a lot of time together and she liked that. Nate was always fun, and she missed him on the ship ever since he moved on to take a more lucrative opportunity. She understood that, but a small part of her still felt somewhat betrayed. Or maybe that part wasn’t that small? Maybe she thought he could’ve stayed there for her or- no, that wasn’t it. But she did miss him. After all, she spent so much time with him in her personal time loop hell, she grew very close to him during that time. Could she even-

Air on her skin interrupted her thoughts and memories. She was cold. The top half of her body was naked. Her body was revealed, she was vulnerable. He was similarly bare, but he didn’t seem to mind. Men.

How did she get here? They were talking. That was nice. Talking to Nate is always nice. Then they kissed. And they haven’t really stopped until now. And there she was, almost naked right in front of her best friend. She could still feel the kisses on her lips – something she wasn’t a fan of, she suddenly realised. But how? This was supposed to be... nice. Pleasant. Good, even. That’s what everyone says it is like. And it’s not like she’s never done this before, it’s just that this time- no, that would be lying, it was never that great. But it wasn’t bad, whereas this... this was wrong. But it wasn’t supposed to feel wrong, that’s not what she had in mind. Probably not what he had in mind, either. She was so uncomfortable.

“What’s going on...? Are you okay? Talk to me.”

She wasn’t okay. She was obviously not okay. “I don’t know.” What was wrong with her?

He caressed her shoulder and she almost jumped. This was... all wrong.

“This was a bad idea, wasn’t it?”

She finally turned over her shoulder to look at his face. “Yeah,” she said simply, because that’s what the simple truth was.

He understood and pulled his hand away. “But it still wasn’t the worst idea a Legend ever had, right?”

Zari shrugged slightly. “It kinda’ was.”

He seemed hurt for a second and she felt bad but said nothing. She was the one who leaned in for that first kiss, after all. She just thought that if she could focus on something else maybe she’d feel-

“Zari...?” he said her name and she turned her head away from him, pursed her lips and closed her eyes.

So uncomfortable. And cold.

“Z, you’re trembling.”

She opened her eyes again to look at her hands and she really was, so she stretched her arm to reach her clothes and, without a word, put them on. Then she turned to face him again. The shirt didn’t help much, it made her feel warmer, but she could still feel his hands all over her body.

“Look, if you want to talk about this, we can totally talk about it, maybe we even should-“

She didn’t let him finish whatever it was that he was going to say because, frankly, she did not care in the slightest. “No, you just-“ She quickly turned his whole body towards him and clenched her fists. “Just _stop_ talking, okay?!” Suddenly she was speaking too loudly, but her heart was beating louder.

He just stared at her. That was good, probably, he stopped talking. But as she breathed out, she was flooded with guilt, and he could tell, he knew her well enough.

He spoke again, but gently this time, knowing he needed to be careful. “What is this about, Z?”

Well, what was it about? For a few moments, she resented him for asking that question. For saying it out loud, speaking it into existence. Suddenly she was forced to answer it, even if only in her own head. What was it about? Maybe it was the dream that she had last night. Or that touch on her bare skin that suddenly she had a name for. As she couldn’t get rid of the feeling of Nate’s hands on her body and couldn’t stop herself from feeling disgusted and vulnerable, hurt and... just wrong, as all those feelings took over, she suddenly knew that one touch that only lasted for a few seconds felt right. And now she couldn’t get away from that. It felt right. Somehow, that small brush of fingers against her arm made her feel more alive than... all that just happened with him. And then there was the dream. She dreamt of a touch of lips on her neck, it was short, nothing more than that, or at least nothing more that she could remember, but that was enough. The lips belonged to Charlie, and for a few seconds she resented her too. Except she was aware that resentment towards Charlie was not what she was truly feeling, deep down. She didn’t resent Charlie’s lips on her neck or Charlie’s fingers on her arm. She resented herself for not resenting her and she resented the world for making her feel... all of this. She felt the familiar burning sensation rise in her chest. The anger. She didn’t ask for this. For these feelings. She never asked for these. It all felt like a joke at her expense.

She looked at Nate, who was awaiting an answer, and noticed he was still partially naked. She lifted her finger and pointed at his chest, which left him surprised at first, but then made him put clothes on.

Then she spoke, “I really don’t know, Nate.”

“Well, if you want to talk about it anytime, I’m here.”

“I know.” But she wasn’t ready to talk about any of this.

He smiled and that made her feel better. Suddenly, when they were no longer naked, this whole situation didn’t feel so weird. She could still feel his touch, but despite that something about his familiar face made her want to hug him, so she did. He reciprocated, hid her delicate body in his arms and rested his chin on her head.  He didn’t need to know what was going on with her to be there for her, and she loved him for that. He didn’t ask any more questions and she was grateful for that. Feeling the fabric of his t-shirt against her hands made her separate this moment from what had just happened between them, as if there were two men, two different people, and the intimate touch of hands that she could still feel on her skin didn’t belong to the man whose embrace was now making her feel warm. She didn’t speak, neither did he, so she stayed, and she thought.

She felt so much love for this man, that she knew. She also knew that, when he touched her, she felt none of the electricity that Charlie’s touch made her feel. Even if she was supposed to, because she kissed him. Repeatedly. She wanted to kiss him, she knew she wanted to. But was it because she was attracted to him, or was it because she desperately wanted to be attracted to him? As she was quietly resting in the safety of Nate’s arms, her mind was loud and there were so many emotions stirring in her chest. Anger, disgust, fear... love. She understood almost none of it. The anger? Yes. Disgust? Not really. She despised herself for almost sleeping with one of her best friends’ ex and for the reasons she’d done it. They were all the wrong reasons. But she also knew she hated herself for all the things she felt for someone else. And that was worse, because that’s not how she should be feeling. She never had a problem with Sara dating Ava, she liked their relationship, they were good for each other, so why on earth would she feel this way about herself? She understood none of it. She _knew_ that there was nothing wrong about loving... that way, but she couldn’t help but feel like her whole body was betraying her and she was betraying... everyone else.

She took a deep breath to stop herself from thinking any further and pulled away.

“Are you better?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. It was a lie only partially, because she didn’t really know. Then she switched her weight from one foot to the other, pursed her lips and tilted her head as she was looking at him, and started to feel very awkward.

He could tell. “It’s fine, you can just go, Z.”

She let out a deep breath and nodded again. “Thanks.”

She left the room hurriedly, which was funny because it was her room and he was probably the one who was supposed to leave, but it’s not like she wanted to stay there and look at the bed where she almost-

Of course, she would run into her on her way out of that horrible situation. She didn’t think of anything better to do than to wave and give her an incomplete smile, and then she was on her way. She barely registered Charlie’s expression, still too focused on the hands she felt all over her body. But she was about to fix that. She decided to occupy their one bathroom for a few minutes to take a hot shower and focus on something else, except that didn’t work. Not at all. Her lips were still on her neck. Her touch still burned on her arm. And somehow, Nate’s hands were still on her back. And she understood nothing, exactly none of it. Except that some of those touches felt wrong while others felt so right. The hot water started to help soon, though, and while she couldn’t stop thinking, the touches were slowly starting to be washed away. It was a bad situation and it didn’t seem like any of the possible outcomes were good. What was she to do? She asked for none of these feelings. And just like that, the burning was back in her chest, the anger was rising within her. She hated everything about it. She hated that she needed to wash off touches of a man from her skin, she hated that something so small as a brush of someone’s fingers against her arm could make her feel so much. She still felt that. Hot water wasn’t enough to wash away that feeling, it stayed, and the idea of just how right it felt stayed with it. And she didn’t choose that, she didn’t choose to feel that way and that didn’t seem fair. None of anything ever seemed fair. If only something could just be simple for once. She wrapped her body in a towel so aggressively that, if the towel was sentient, it would’ve thought she hated it. And she kind of did, she kind of hated everything.

 

When she was back in her room and dressed, she sat on the bed, then lied on her back, and she stayed that way for a while as if it didn’t even occur to her that she could move. The room was thankfully empty when she came back. She wanted to play a video game but didn’t really feel like it. For a moment she thought she could go get something to eat soon, but she didn’t really feel like that either. She didn’t really feel like anything. All the thoughts swirling around in her head _kept_ her from feeling like anything. And at every moment she felt a different emotion, confusion, anger, disappointment, betrayal, anger... there was a surprising amount of anger. There was a moment when she just wanted to cry or scream or punch the walls with her fists until they bled. But she did none of that, she just laid on her bed. At least she no longer felt her best friend’s touch on her body. But she was having thoughts she certainly did not want to have instead of that. Ideas that she did not want to have. Yes, maybe she had thought that being with Nate would somehow... fix her. Fix her. Fix her feelings. Fix her head, she didn’t have it on straight. She laughed dryly and rolled her eyes at the unintentional pun. Of course, typical, this whole thing was a joke, after all, so why not just go all the way and say her head wasn’t on straight. Why the hell not.

She was interrupted by a knock on the door and immediately knew who it was - Ray was the only person on the ship who regularly bothered with knocking. She sat up and moved her gaze to the door, knowing he would come in with or without an invitation, and when he did, she noticed he held a bowl in his hands. With food.

“Z, you missed dinner.”

That would explain the strange sensation in her stomach. She wasn’t used to being hungry ever since she joined the Legends, because on the ship she always managed to find something to nibble on at any given moment, yet there she was. Hungry.

“Sorry, Ray, I must’ve forgot.”

“About dinner?”

He was clearly concerned, and she didn’t want him to be, but she also didn’t want to explain herself, so she just got up and walked towards him. “What you got there?” 

“Grapes, I thought you could use a snack.” He smiled at her with the kind smile only Ray’s face could produce.

“Thanks,” she responded briefly and took the bowl out of his hands, then went back to her bed, sat down and started to eat, assuming he would just leave, but that was never a correct assumption to make regarding him. When she raised her head after she ate quite a few of the grapes, he was still standing there, looking at her, still seeming worried.

For a moment, they were just staring at each other, Zari with her mouth full and chewing, Ray gazing at her with his eyes widened as if she was a puppy in distress.

She momentarily stopped chewing only to ask, “What?”

And he shrugged and then sat on the bed next to her, which made her move slightly to the side to allow for personal space. “Are you... okay, Z?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged and answered with her mouth still full of fruit, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged too.

And she did too, again, and then laughed. “Are we just gonna’ sit here shrugging our shoulders, or are you going to tell me why you’re here?”

“Well,” he took a deep breath and started speaking, “I was going to ask you if you talked to Nate, because he was on the ship.”

He didn’t mean to pause in his speech, but he needed to take a breath and that brief moment was enough for Zari to start panicking internally and nearly inhale the food.

“When I met him he was already leaving, he was in a hurry, said he had work left at the Bureau, so I was thinking if you were doing a movie night without me, you could have just told me, I wouldn’t be upset.”

She stopped for a second to look at him, then hurriedly nodded, “Yeah, of course, we would tell you if there was a movie night, we were just having coffee because he was... on a break. And wanted me to help him with something regarding a mission, tech stuff.”

He seemed disappointed for a second, for whichever reason, but then he nodded as well. And smiled at her, which made Zari feel so much better. “Yeah, I should’ve thought of that, that’s obvious.”

 _Obvious, huh..._ She nodded again and stuffed a few more grapes in her mouth to stop herself from speaking and making it worse. She noticed, though, that he still wasn’t getting up.

“There’s something else, Z.”

She paused, then swallowed the last bite and set the bowl aside on her bed.

“I don’t want to intrude, but you’ve been more reserved than usual these past few days, so I was wondering...,” he stopped mid-sentence, as if to give her space for her own input, and she took the chance.

“I’ve been feeling off, but it’s nothing you need to worry about.”

He was looking at her, but didn’t say anything, he only waited.

And she took a deep breath and continued, “I just haven’t been sleeping that well, and there are all these things that are happening with Hank and Ava, and the Bureau, and everything is just messy. I had a lot of work, too. I’ve been busy.”

When he spoke again, he was only letting words out of his mouth very carefully. “Have you been busy because... there’s so much work to do, or... because you wanted to keep yourself busy...?”

She pressed her lips together and didn’t say a thing.

“You know you can talk to me.”

But she didn’t want to talk to him, she wasn’t ready. “It’s just that there’s a lot going on and I’m kinda’ overwhelmed by it all.”

“It all...?” he repeated quietly.

She shrugged and crouched nervously. “Like... stuff.”

She wasn’t looking at him, but if she were, she would’ve seen his eyes were full of sympathy. “You know,” he started again carefully, “I’m not blind, I saw your ‘stuff’,” he finished and used air quotes to emphasise his point. When he saw her face was for once expressionless, he continued, “I saw you two interact, or not interact, and this is obviously about Charlie.”

And as he said it, it clicked. Something in her brain made the one missing connection. She _knew_ this was it, but she had never heard it said aloud, she didn’t even allow herself to think it, but now when that happened, when she heard it, it made things so much clearer. Suddenly there was less confusion, suddenly it was out there and she couldn’t run from it any more, she couldn’t deny it, couldn’t tell herself the reality was different, couldn’t pretend she was confused, when in fact she knew what was happening. She knew. She didn’t like it, that’s for sure, but that didn’t change the fact that she _knew_ what it was. It was about Charlie. All of this. Her horrible, horrible mood these past few days? About Charlie. That little whatever it was with Nate? About Charlie. Kissing her best friend? Charlie. Hating kissing her best friend? Charlie. That little spot on her arm where Charlie’s fingers brushed against her skin and the fact that Zari remembered exactly where that spot was? Very much about Charlie.

She bit her bottom lip, nodded her head lightly, drew in a deep breath and looked at Ray. She was ready to talk.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it here, thank you for reading! I really hope you liked this, if you did, please, leave a comment <3, and if you didn't, I do appreciate constructive criticism too. This is my first fic so I'd really like to know what you guys think. (Also, English isn't my first language, so please, feel free to correct the language too.)


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